COLD OPEN
Chief: Man, I'm bored. I wish there was something to do. There's no criminals to catch right now.
Mail Man: MAIL FOR CHIEF! I REPEAT! MAIL FOR CHIEF!
Chief: Huh? (grabs letter and reads it) From Zachary Quartz at Gassy Behemoth Studio, to Chief at Ohkay City Police Department. (he opens the letter and reads the inside)
Chief: "We are happy to announce that your cop Dog Man is going to be the subject of a new movie directed by critically mixed director Zachary Quartz. Please come with the Supa Buddies and Dog Man" WELL HOT DANG, I NEED DOG MAN TO COME OVER!
MAIN EPISODE
[DOG MAN AND FRIENDS ARE RELAXING IN HIS HOUSE, THEN CHIEF BURSTS OPEN DOG MAN'S DOOR]
Chief: Hey Dog Man, guess what.
Li'l Petey: You finally think something is going to be great?
Chief: NO! But I do have this letter, YOU GUYS ARE IN A MOVIE!
Dog Man: RUFF RUFF!
80-HD: *does a happy gesture*
Chief: We even get an exclusive JET PLANE TO HOLLYWOOD BABY!
[CUTS TO EVERYONE ON THE PLANE]
Chief: Oh boy this is gonna be great! You know I don't think I've ever said that in this show so far.
Li'l Petey: I can't believe we're getting a movie! And we're going to good ol' California!
Molly: Exactly, hope you aren't ugly Wally.
Li'l Petey: WHAT!
[CUTS TO THEM MEETING OUTSIDE OF THE STUDIO]
Zachary Quartz: Hello guys, I am Zach, I want to share something I have been working on for a few years.
Dog Man: Ruff? (Wait, YEARS!)
Zachary Quartz: Well ever since I heard about your little situation, I WANTED TO MAKE A MOVIE!
Chief: How did you hear about this?
Zachary Quartz: From reading it on the toilet, that's why!
Chief: Ew!
Molly: HAHA!
Li'l Petey: What's it about?
Zachary Quartz: It's a 4-hour long drama! It has a bunch of slow motion scenes!
Petey: Oh crap.
[CUTS TO ZACHARY SHOWING THE TRAILER, IT'S IN GREY SCALE, HYPER SLOW MOED, AND GENERALLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND DOG MAN]
Zachary Quartz: So, thoughts?
[80-HD JUMPS OUT A WINDOW AND DIES]
Dog Man: *Growls*
Chief: Respectfully, that sucked.
Zachary Quartz: Fine, you help me direct a scene!
Chief: I know! Let's create a Rube Goldberg machine that will destroy everything and get the movie canned!
Li'l Petey: But what if someone dies?
Chief: I was having second thoughts too. But it's for the best that the public doesn't see this!
[CUTS TO THE SET OF THE MOVIE]
Zachary Quartz: Well, in this scene Dog Man bites Flippy.
Petey: Why?
Zachary Quartz: BECAUSE EDGY!!!
80-HD: *shoots ping pong ball at Zach*
Zachary Quartz: What the? *500 ping pong balls shoot and his face, causing him to “get put to bed forever”*
[ONE BALL LAUNCHES OFF AND HITS A FAN, KNOCKING FLIPPY'S ACTOR OUT, A MOLOTIVE CHOCKTAIL THAT WAS ON SET CAUSES SARAH HATOFF'S OUTFIT TO CATCH ON FIRE, CHIEF HAS A BARRAGE OF PING PONG BALLS THROWN AT HIM AND DOG MAN IS CRUSHED]
Studio Executive: Well let's see how it has go-WHAT HAPPENED!
[CUTS TO THE STUDIO INTERVIEWING THE SUPA BUDDIES]
Studio Executive: Well that was violent. Anyway, why did this happen?
Li'l Petey: Um...OH NO! A CRIMINAL MUST'VE SABATOGED THE MOVIE AND KILLED EVERYONE ON THE SET!
Studio Executive: Well who's gonna direct now?
Sam E. Hamilton: I AM!
Petey: Uhh, why you?
Sam E. Hamilton: BECAUSE I AM THE BEST DIRECTOR OF COURSE.
Dog Man: Ruff? (Do you atleast understand me)
Sam E. Hamilton: I will pretend like you said something positive, now what's the budget.
Molly: Well most of it was used for Zachs, so we are left with 2 million.
Chief: Oh, that's not enough.
Sam E. Hamilton: I HAVE AN IDEA! We make Dog Man TALK!
Phris Cratt: It's a me, a Dog Man
(the gang have a horrified face)
Sam E. Hamilton: Now for Petey's actor, everyone put your hands together for BLACK JACK!
Black Jack: I! AM BLACK JACK!
Petey: If this couldn't get any worse.
Sam E. Hamilton: Jwayne Dohnson as Chief
Jwayne Dohnson: The hierarchy of power of the Dog Man universe is about to change.
Sam E. Hamilton: Finaakwa as Molly.
Finaakwa: Uh hi.
Molly: Hope she is playing me.
Sam E. Hamilton: And Yolay Capresse as Sarah Hatoff.
Chief: Isn't that the same actress Victor caught Sarah-You know what that's too depraved.
Yolay: Ciao!
Sam E. Hamilton: How much will these guys cost?
80-HD: *Calculates to 300 Million*
Sam E. Hamilton: Wow
Li'l Petey: BUT THAT'S-1 2 3 4 5-150 TIMES YOUR BUDGET! HOW ARE WE GONNA AFFORD THAT?!
Sam: Oh I forgot one more actor! Mason Jomoa as Phil!
Mason Jomoa: Yo.
Petey: Who's Phil?
Sam: We decided to change Flippy into a human because why not.
Petey: Well this sucks. BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ARE WE GOING TO FINANCE THIS FILM???!!!
Sam E. Hamilton: Oh don't worry, I locked our best animators in the basement with no food, water, or outside contact for a week and now I have this masterpiece!
[PLAYS A OFF MODEL AND CRUDLY DONE DOG MAN COMMERICAL]
Annoucer: hepi mel box koler (Happy Meal Box Cooler), makedonlds halate huvay bicang (Mcdonalds shaking baking), alta peti (upside down Petey), hopping bopping kate aadami (Hopping Bopping Dog Man), barik dans ganda el pi (Break dance dirty LP), bad dal sardar (Evil heartless Chief).
Molly: Okay, that's enough, please tell me this is only the film's ads.
Sam E. Hamilton: Nope, they are in the movie.
Chief: I'm out!
Petey: Oh Samuel Edward Hamilton you sly director I'LL TEAR YOU TO PIECE-This movie is not the best. I'm outta here!
Dog Man: RUFF! (Screw you Sam!)
(a few days later during filming)
Sam: And ACTION!
ZuZu: Oh Dog Man, you are so handsome and muscular and I'm so horned creature, let's ki-*Dog Man steals turkey on table*
Sam: CUT!
[A MONTAGE OF DOG MAN BUGGING THE MOVIE SET OCCURS]
Sam: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I WANT YOU OUT OF THIS SET! HOW WILL WE EVER FINISH THIS MOVIE!
[GRAMPA OVERHEARS THIS]
Grampa: You know, I don't like Dog Man and co, but this seems like a dumpster fire. Let me make it a literal one.
(at the private screening for the trailer)
Fan #1: Oh boy this is gonna be great!
Chief: That's my line!
Fan #2: I can't wait for the trailer!
Petey: Trust me kids, don't get your hopes up.
Fan #1: Yeah right!
Petey: Whatever, but we warned you!
[TRAILER PLAYS]
Petey: PETEY JOCKEY!
[THE FANS SCREAM AND BEAT EACH OTHER TO A PULP!]
Fan 1: *bonking the head of Fan 2* LET'S GO!
Grampa: YEAH! *Burns film reel*
Sam: DUDE, WHAT THE HAY! DON'T DO THAT!
Grampa: What?
Sam: KICK HIM OUT!
Grampa: Crap!
Sam: Well, only half the footage is salvageable, so we have to use 900 million dollars.
Dog Man: BARK BARK BARK!
Sam: Well I made a backup of the trailer reel just in case!
Petey: OH COME ON!
(the trailer plays again)
Movie Dog Man: Uhh...meow?
Fan #3: HOLY CRAP WHY IS HE SO MUSCULAR! AND WHY IS HE SO UGLY?
Movie Big Jim: HIYA PETEY!
Fan 3: WHY IS HIS HEAD CURVED!
Dog Man: Bark?
Sam: Well, this went well. Let's see the-Oh
[REACTIONS ARE NEGATIVE]
Sam: Well, we still have the actors on board.
Yolay: The movie sucks
Yolay: I know! I'll edit the movie to be better!
(a few days later)
Yolay: Signore e signori (Ladies and gentlemen in Italian)! I present to you: THE DOG MAN MOVIE: THE CAPRESE CUT!
[THE EXECUTIVES READ THE SCRIPT]
Studio Executive: Good, Sam will you film this?
Dog Man: Ruff?
Sam: BHUFIUVHDGSYFI&GIFUDSFIUYS*YHFIGUDSGUKHFUDIZUKHLFIYSDKZUSIFDWHKJNMS *head expands like a balloon and pops*
[CUTS TO NEW FILMING]
Petey: Glad we can actually act, right Sam!
[SAM PULLS UP A GARFIELD COMIC STRIP WITH IT EDITED TO SAY "I HATE YOLAY]
Molly: Who cares, we can fool around!
(Sam pulls out another strip edited to say "Screw it, ACTION!")
Movie Dog Man: Ruff! You're under arrest Petey!
Movie Petey: Rats!
Chief: *Pulls out Gun* You’re dead MEAT! *Shoots Petey*
Petey: AAAAHHH!
Yolay: Oh my, it was a gun?
Sam: *Pulls comic* Yep
[CUTS TO BOARD MEETING]
Sam: We need to convince Yolay not to edit the movie! It's fine as it is!
Fan #2: Yep!
Sam: I thought your skull got broken
Fan #2: Peak Human Condition.
Sam: Then get people to dress up in these Dog Man costumes and STORM THE BUILDING!
Fan 2: OKAY!
[BOARD MEETING]
Executive: Okay, let's let Mr. Hamilton into the ro-*gets overflooded with Dog Men*
Yolay: SAM!
Sam: Yea?
Yolay: WHO INVITED THESE CRAZY FANATICS??!!
Sam: ME! They want the Sam Cut to be released.
Fans: #RELEASETHEHAMILTONCUT
Yolay: Whatever, we have just made the full edited film!
Sam: Good!
Chief: Yep it is harder!
Petey: Better!
Molly: Faster!
Li'l Petey: and Stronger!
Sam: Okay.
Yolay: What do you think?
Sam: Well, let’s give it a test screen!
(1 1/2 hours later)
Yolay: So what did you think?
Sam: Well, here is Grampa, NOW BURN IT!
[GRAMPA BURNS THE FILM REEL]
Dog Man: BARK BARK!
Sam: I stole the script, see ya SUCKERS!!!!!!
[SAM BOOKS A TICKET TO AUSTRALIA]
Sam: Hey Cohn Jena, can you rewrite this script?
Cohn Jena: Yes! BECAUSE AMERICA!
[CUTS TO 3 WEEKS]
Cohn: AND THEN DOG MAN GOT MAD ABOUT PETEY KILLING CHIEF AND VOWS REVENGE ON PETEY! I HAVE MADE A MASTERPIECE! BETTER THAN GOODCREATOR! SEND THIS BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND GREENLIGHT IT!
Sam: Thanks!
Yolay: Oh that Samuel Hamilton! I've got one last trick up my sleeve!
(WHEN EDITING THE CREDITS BEGAN, YOLAY SNUCK INTO THE EDITING BOARD)
Yolay: Excuse me? May I make a small edit?
Editor: What is it?
Yolay: Samuel asked for his name to be "Timmy TickleButt"
Editor: You're making that up.
Yolay: NO!
Editor: Yep, so I deny it.
Yolay: FINE I SUE!
Editor: WHAT?!
(later)
Judge: GUILTY!
Sam: Oh great! Since we lost most of our money, we now have to burn our old film reels! Thanks a lot you fat Italian slob! Go back to eating 900 pounds of spaghetti and pizza!
Executive: Doesn't that sound a little rude?
Sam: Well she deserves it for forcing us to make our film reels lost media! Just like The Television Ghost!
Executive: Well we are missing money, so we can burn those old Television Ghost film reels.
Petey: Wait what?
Executive: Trust me, we have burnt so many film reels in order to get money. *burns film reels* It helps us get the silver to make boot heels.
Petey: SINCE WHEN!
Executive: It's called "Gassy Behemoth Studio and Boot Heels" for a reason.
Petey: Why would you combine a movie studio with a boot heels workshop?!
Executive: BECAUSE A-Budget cuts. Well what we can do is get all three cuts of the movie and stitch it back together!
Petey: Oh lord
(CUT TO A MONTAGE OF ALL THE THREE CUTS OF THE MOVIE BEING STITCHED INTO ONE GIANT FILM)
Executive: There we go! Finished!
Yolay: Will this turn out good?
Executive: Of course it will
(AT THE TEST SCREENING)
Executive: Okay, guys, this is it. THE VERY FINAL AND DEFINITIVE VERSION OF THE DOG MAN MOVIE!!! Roll film, Mr. Squirty!
(THE MOVIE STARTS)
Dog Man: Bark Bark Mother Lover!
[HUMAN FLIPPY EXPLODES]
Phil: I'm alright! Now I'm good.
Molly and Li'l Petey: Peepoo!
Petey: I want to shoot Dog Man.
Vector: I want to shoot Dog Man too!
Petey: Okay Mr. Edgelord.
Rose: Look at this Harry Potter x Percy Jackson x Pokemon x Scooby Doo x Lakadaisy x-
Chief: I'm sorry but I hope you [SAYS EXTREMELY VILE STUFF THAT CAUSES THE WHOLE AUDIENCE TO WALK OUT]
Phil Jr: I really love Disney.
Sarah: Chief I'm pregnant
(a few minutes later)
Daisy, Martin, and Chief Jr: Hello we exist
(Dog Man takes a big poop)
Chief Jr: I love Nintendo a whole awful lot
Phil Jr: HEY I AM THE ONE WHO REALLY LOVES A BIG COMPANY
(Chief Jr and Phil Jr have a fight)
Petey: PETEY JOCKEY!!!
Fan 1: Yeah, this kind of sucks tbh
Fan 2: Let's get out.
[EVERYONE LEAVES]
Sam Hamilton: See, told you it would be a disaster.
Executive: Well how much will we make if it gets a wide release.
[CUTS TO THE FINANCIAL REPORT]
Executive: We are sorry for your film only making 7$ at the book office, here is an image of The Leaping Lord of the Leotard from the movie Hitpig to remind you that this movie could’ve been as great if not better than Hitpig. I mean it’s the highest grossing movie of all time!
Executive: F-
[CUTS TO GASSY BEHOMOTH BEING SHUT DOWN]
Fan 1: Serves you all right for making the worst movie based on real events! Come on Jake (Fan 2's real name), let's go watch GoodCreator!
Sam E. Hamilton: I'M RUINED!!!
(THE END)
(START OF POST CREDIT SCENE)
(We see a guy with brown spiky hair, a white outfit with a green coat, orange pants, and purple shoes checking his mailbox)
Victor: Huh? What's this? (he opens the letter) Dear Victor, me and Dog Man are coming to visit you! See ya real soon…unfortunately! From Sarah! (he closes the letter) Well I'll be didgeri-darned!
(END OF POST CREDIT SCENE)