COLD OPEN
(one day at Dog Man’s house)
Li’l Petey: Can’t you believe it, Dog Man? Tomorrow’s the annual Ohkay City Do-Gooder Awards, and everyone in the Supa Buddies and Papa are nominated!
(Petey comes to pick Li’l Petey up since it’s Monday)
Petey: Hey kid! Are you ready to say goodbye to Dog Man?
Li’l Petey: Yup! And did you know the Ohkay City Do-Gooder Awards is tomorrow?
Petey: Oh goo-Ohkay City Do-Gooder Awards? (gets a flashback to the Ohkay City Do-Gooder Awards that was held about a year ago, also writer’s note: this flashback takes place a little bit after the events of the flashbacks in the Mayor arc)
Mayor Gerald: And please welcome the comedian for tonight’s award show: PETEY THECAT!
(The crowd boos as Petey goes on stage)
Petey: Have any of you seen Chief’s new girlfriend? SHE’S BALD! SHE ONLY HAS LIKE A FEW STRANDS OF HAIR ON THE SIDES OF HER HEAD! By the way, Nurse Lady, I can’t wait to see G.I. Genie 2 when it comes out! HAW HAW!
(Chief goes on stage and slaps the daylight out of Petey)
Petey: DUDE WHAT THE HECK! IT WAS ONLY A JOKE!
Chief: KEEP MY GIRLFRIEND’S NAME OUT YOUR F(HONK)ING MOUTH!!!
(END OF FLASHBACK)
MAIN EPISODE
(The next day)
Mayor Gerald: I will now announce the winner of this year’s Do-Gooder Awards! And the winner is…
Dog Man: Ruff ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff! (Please be me! Please be me!)
Mayor Gerald:...PETEY THECAT!!!
Dog Man: RUFF?! (WHAT?!)
Mayor Gerald: And the runner up is Petey TheCat Jr, or as everybody knows him, Li’l Petey!
Dog Man: RUFF RUFF RUFF?! BARK BARK ARF! (I’M NOT EVEN SECOND PLACE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!)
Mayor Gerald: And third place goes to Jim TheCat, formerly Jim Bigly before being adopted, and now known as Big Jim!
Dog Man: BARK BARK! (HE’S NOT EVEN THAT PLOT RELEVANT IN THE FRANCHISE YET!)
(Dog Man walks up stage and confronts the mayor)
Dog Man: BARK ARF! (WHY AREN’T I IN THE TOP 3?! I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER! I SHOULD BE THE ONE EVERYONE RECOGNIZES! I WAS THE WINNER OF THE PAST FEW CONTESTS EVEN WHEN I WAS GREG! I DEMAND EVERYONE TO BOYCOTT THIS RIGGED AWARD SHOW!)
(The crowd stares blankly and says nothing, then Dog Man gets kicked out)
Dog Man: Grrrr RUFF!!! (I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T WIN!!! I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER!!! Well, there’s always The Semi-Annual Police Officer Awards tomorrow!)
(The next day)
Chief: And the winner is…MILLY!!!
Dog Man: RUFF?! BARK BARK BARK! (WHAT?! BUT I’M THE SECOND-HIGHEST RANKING COP! Well there’s no doubt I’ll win The Tri-Annual Dog-Headed Human Awards tomorrow! I’m probably the only one in town!)
(The next day)
Governor Pilkey: CANINE GUY FROM THE HIT BOOK SERIES, CANINE GUY!!!
Dog Man: BARK! (D’OH!!!)
(Dog Man is walking out of the award show enraged)
Dog Man: Grrrrrr…..
Random Author: HEY DOG MAN! CAN I WRITE A BOOK ABOUT YOU?
Dog Man: (gasps) BARK?! (REALLY?! FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION!!!)
Random Author: Actually, it’s not about you despite you being in the title! It’s actually mostly about Petey and all you do is help Chief ask Nurse Lady ou-(gets punched by Dog Man)
Dog Man: Bark bark! (Why doesn’t anyone care about me anymore? I saved many lives and this is the thanks I get?!)
(Dog Man sees a shiny red item inside of a big rock)
Dog Man: ?
(Dog Man grabs a pickaxe and breaks through the rock, he uncovers a mysterious red gem)
Dog Man: Ruff! (Woah! What a cool gem!)
(Dog Man accidentally drops the gem and a strange red gas leaks from it, Dog Man starts coughing)
Dog Man: Hoo-wee! Ruff ruff! Bark! Ruff ruff! (Hoo-wee! What is that? Crap! I forgot my inhaler!)
(Dog Man’s eyes glow red)
Dog Man: Ruff ruff ruff? (What is happening?)
(Dog Man starts floating in the air and begins to speak English)
Dog Man: Whoa-ho-ho! Why am I floating?! Put me down whatever force is grabbing me!
(Dog Man falls and his eyes go back to normal, but he starts glowing red a little bit)
Dog Man: What just happened?!
(at Chief’s office)
Chief: Hey Dog Man! Sorry you haven’t been getting awards recently, I guess the mayor likes Petey and Li’l Petey more!
(Dog Man hears Petey and Li’l Petey and goes hostile)
Dog Man: DON’T! MENTION THOSE DISGRACES TO MY FAME!!! EVER AGAIN!!! (uses psychokinetic powers to throw Chief out of his office door)
Chief: OW! Hey! What was that fuss about!
Milly: Oh my George and Harold! Are you okay Chief?
Chief: Yeah, but can you get me an ice pack?
Milly: Sure! (turns angrily towards Dog Man) You’ve been a bad doggy Dog Man! I’m gonna punish you!
(Dog Man hears “bad doggy” and throws coffee in Milly’s face)
Milly: OW!!!! Ok Dog Man, why aren’t you yourself recently?!
Dog Man: BECAUSE OF THOSE STUPID CATS, THAT’S WHAT?! (turns even more red and walks away)
Milly: Wow, that award show really broke him.
(Saturday morning)
Dog Man: Oh no…today’s the day that little rat comes in with that green bean!
(Li’l Petey comes in)
Li’l Petey: Hi Dog Ma-
Dog Man: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU MORON!
Li’l Petey: DOG MAN! WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU! YOU WOULDN’T CALL YOUR TECHNICAL SON A MORON!
Dog Man: Well, I was just telling the truth. You, Petey, and Big Jim are all worms who just exist just to steal attention from me! I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS FRANCHISE! I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO GET ALL THE CREDIT FOR MY ACTIONS! I SAVED THE WORLD MANY TIMES YET EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO FOCUS ON THOSE RATS! SOMEONE EVEN WANTS TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT PETEY WITH MY NAME ON THE TITLE AND I DO NOTHING BUT HELP CHIEF ASK OUT SOMEONE HE’S ALREADY MARRIED TO! NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT ME!!! AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT FEELS BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE STEALING ALL MY ATTENTION!!!
Li’l Petey:...Wanna save the world from Grampa? I even got your costume-
Dog Man: NO!!! I REJECT THAT PREPOSTEROUS COSTUME!!! I’ll make something more my style! (He starts glowing red even stronger)
(Dog Man makes his costume, which is his Scarlet Shedder outfit)
Disembodied Rock Singer: THE SCARLET SHEDDER! DOO DOO YEAH!!!!
(outside)
Grampa: MWAHAHAHA! TIME TO DESTROY EVERYBODY WITH MY CAKE BOT 2000!!!
Guy: Really? A bot that shoots out cake? I thought you had better ideas- (gets splattered and instantly melts) AAAAAAHHHH I’M MELTING! OH WHAT A WORLD AHHHHHHH!!!!
Grampa: COME AND GET IT SUPA BUDDIES!!!
Dog Man: NOT SO FAST YOU SCUMBAG!
Grampa: I like the new look, Half Way Werewolf. It works for you! But that doesn’t mean I like you as a whole-
Dog Man: NO MORE TIME WASTING! LET’S FIGHT! THIS CAN BE MY VERY CHANCE TO PROVE THE WORLD I’M STILL RELE-
Li’l Petey: No thanks Dog Man!
Dog Man: W-WHAT?!
Li’l Petey: Me, 80-HD, and Molly have got this!
(a few minutes later)
Li’l Petey: You’re under arrest Grampa! Take him away Chief!
Chief: Okay!
(Dog Man starts huffing and puffing louder and louder as he becomes fully red)
Li’l Petey: Uh Dog Man? What’s wrong? Are you-
(Dog Man shoots an electric beam from his arms, electrocuting Li’l Petey)
Li’l Petey: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Petey: DOG MAN!!! WHAT THE HEAVENS!!!
Molly: STOP!!! HE’S GETTING HURT!!!
Dog Man: WHY SHOULD I?! HE LITERALLY TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME!!! HE TOOK MY CREDIT! HE TOOK MY JOB AS THE GREATEST SUPERHERO! HE MADE ME A HAS-BEEN! I HATE THAT CREATURE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING AND I WISH HE NEVER EXISTED!!!
Li’l Petey: STOP!!!
(Dog Man’s electric shock stops)
Dog Man: Fine! I’ll just terrorize the entire city then! (the sky turns red and lightning starts)
(Dog Man’s voice starts sounding demonic)
Dog Man: OH DO-GOODERS! WHERE ARE YOU!
(Dog Man spots Alice walking with her new boyfriend (now fiancé) and her new dog, and remembers that she abandoned him after he was created)
Dog Man: You…
Alice: Oh great…
Alice’s fiancé: What is it babe?
Alice: It’s that hybrid monster I used to date. He was once a man and a dog but he got combined. Fortunately I was secretly cheating on him just in case something happened-
Dog Man: YOU WHAT?!?!
Alice: Look, I’m sorry but, how was it not obvious from how fast I left?! I mean you wouldn’t realistically break up from someone that fast UNLESS you were cheating on them!
(Dog Man clenches his fist, and makes a giant electricity ball)
Dog Man: YOU BETRAYED ME YOU STUPID RASCAL!!!
(Dog Man throws the ball at Alice and a giant explosion happens)
Alice’s fiancé: Alice? (he finds that Alice and her dog are completely unconscious) ALICE! NO NO NO! SPEAK TO ME! IT’S GONNA BE OKAY!
(Dog Man sees this and gets reminded of the bombing)
(START OF FLASHBACK)
Greg: RUFF RUFF RUFF BARK! (KNIGHT! NO NO NO! SPEAK TO ME! IT’S GONNA BE OKAY!)
(END OF FLASHBACK)
Alice’s fiancé: What have you done…
Dog Man: What I had to…
Li’l Petey: DOG MAN! What have you done!
(Dog Man feels bad and turns back, losing his red color and ability to speak English in the process. Dog Man then sees the unconscious Alice and her dog and starts regretting his actions. He runs away howling)
Li’l Petey: Dog Man, wait! We still have to talk!
(A few days later at the hospital)
Nurse Lady: Alice Inn Wuunderland, I have bad news. You may be paralyzed in your legs permanently. And your dog has brain damage.
Alice: Darn it.
(Dog Man comes in)
Alice: OH DON’T YOU DARE MISTER!
Dog Man: Ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff. Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff bark ruff ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff arf ruff? (Look, I’m sorry for what I did. I was just possessed by a red gem and lost control briefly, can we be friends?)
Alice: No. You’ve done irreparable damage to me and my dog. I’m not saying I hate you, but I just don’t want to talk to you anymore, and I don’t want you talking to me either. Understood?
(Dog Man is disappointed, but he understands, and leaves)
Li’l Petey: So Dog Man, how’d it go?
Dog Man: Ruff… (She doesn’t wanna be friends with me…)
Li’l Petey: Aw man, it’s okay. You never needed her, because you had us!
Dog Man: Ruff ruff ruff? Bark arf ruff! (You know what? I’m sorry for being mad that you were getting recognition! I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were kind of stealing my attention, but I feel like a dumb head complaining that others were having SOME time to shine! Not everything revolves around me!)
Li’l Petey: I accept your apology, Dog Man.
Dog Man: Ruh-hee! (Sweeeet!)
(END OF EPISODE)