COLD OPEN
Li'l Petey: Hey Dog Man! Guess what!
Dog Man: ?
Li'l Petey: I built a translation collar for you!
Dog Man: Ruff! (Wow!)
Li'l Petey: Not everyone understands Dog language so I made this for your interview!
(Dog Man puts it on)
Dog Man: Wow! You're a genius!
(Petey calls Li'l Petey)
Petey, on the phone: Hey kid! Can you help me get ready for my interview?
Li'l Petey: Two interviews today?
Petey: Yup! Mine starts right after Dog Man's!
MAIN EPISODE
(At Channel 66 News Studio)
Sarah Hatoff: And please welcome one of our two guests, your friend and mine, DOG MAN!
(Dog Man shows up)
Sarah Hatoff: So Dog Man, where'd it all start?
Dog Man: Well, I started off as a normal dog named Greg. I went through three different families in my young life.
Sarah: Wow, sick! What was the first family you were with?
Dog Man: I lived with a Mr. and Mrs. Lady, alongside their recently born daughter, Genie.
Sarah: Wait....their first name was Genie and their last name was Lady....NURSE LADY WAS YOUR FIRST OWNER?!
Dog Man: Yep, that's right! I lived with the Lady's for a long time, until Mr. Lady wanted Genie to study to become a doctor, and he didn't want me interrupting her. Plus, this studying would be really expensive, so they sent me to Penelope's Pets.
Sarah: Dang. They were rude!
Dog Man: Well, that's what happens when your a rich couple.
Sarah: So what was it like at Penelope's Pets?
Dog Man: It was awful. No one adopted me, until one day a guy named Mr. Bailey came and took me to his house.
Sarah: So Chief was your next owner?
Dog Man: Yep. Although, back then, he wasn't called Chief.
Sarah: Yeah. Clarence, right?
Dog Man: Yep. And the two of us were even more fun than me and Genie.
Sarah: Really? What did you two do?
Dog Man: Oh, we made a club together. We would solve puzzles throughout Ohkay City and answer challenging mysteries. The only thing I didn't like about the club was that we had Maude on our team as well.
(flashback)
Maude: HEY DOG THINGY! YOU SUCK!
Clarence: Don't be rude Maude. Anyway me and Greg have a case to solve.
Maude: What is it?
Clarence: Some little purple cat wants to find a ring, he says he's the "Chosen One"
Maude: Oh. Whatever. I'll just hang out with Buster and Gloria. They're fun!
Greg: Bark Bark!
Clarence: Yep, Maude is like that. Anyways, let's meet up with this purple cat.
Little Jim: Goo goo gaga!
Greg: ?
Clarence: He says that his parents found out that he's the Chosen One. Now let's go!
(they meet young Dippy)
Clarence: WHERE WERE YOU OF THE NIGHT OF---wait what night was it again?
(Big Jim shrugs)
Clarence: ---ON THE NIGHT HE CAN'T REMEMBER?
Dippy; I don't remember.
Clarence: Dang. She has a good alibi.
Dog Man: We had so many good adventures together. But one day, something happened. Chief's parents told him something that would change our lives forever.
(flashback)
Mr. Bailey: I'm sorry, son. I know how much you love him, but he's a nuisance.
Mrs. Bailey: You need to get rid of Greg.
Clarence: But we still haven't figured out the mystery of the Ring!
Mr. Bailey: Just sell him at our yard sale.
Clarence: But--
Mr. Bailey: NO BUTS!
(later that day)
Knight: Ooh, a yard sale!
Clarence: Hi there! What's your name?
Knight: I'm Timothy but my friends call me Knight!
Clarence: So, uh, do you like dogs?
Knight: Of course I do! I've just never been able to get one.
Clarence: So, how would you like it if I *gulps* gave you my dog?
Knight: I'd love it! How much is he?
Clarence: He's free!
Knight: Sweeet! Thank you!
(Knight walks away)
Clarence: Goodbye Greg.
(at Knight's house)
Knight: You know what we're going to do, right Greg?
Greg: ?
Knight: We're going to become cops when we grow up!
Greg: Bark Bark!
(Out of flashback)
Dog Man: So that's how I met Knight and how I became a cop.
Sarah: Nice! Say, didn't all of the people from your detective club become cops?
Dog Man: They did! Even Maude...somehow.
Dog Man: It was all great. But one day, something bad happened...
(Cut to flashback of the bomb scene in the first movie)
Petey, in a falsetto voice: HELP! HELP! THERE'S A BOMB IN THE PARK!
Knight: Oh no, let's go!
Greg: Bark!
(They go to the bomb, as Knight has two wires out: a green one and a red one)
Knight: Which wire should I cut, Greg?
Greg: Grr!
Knight: Grr--reen? Green! OK, I got it!
(Knight cuts the green wire.)
(The bomb doesn't explode yet)
Knight: YES! WE DID IT! CHIEF IS GONNA BE SO HAPPY! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE-
(it explodes)
Petey: HAHAHAHA! THEY'RE GONE! THIS IS MY FINEST-
Knight: Owie.
Petey: They're alive...great...
(Knight and Greg are rushed to the hospital)
Dog Man: And, well, we know what happened afterwards.
Sarah: Dang. Well, that's our time! Coming up next: another interview with a new hero. A certain "evil" cat, after the break!
(Dog Man then leaves and takes off his collar, feeling happy that he can only bark again.)
(commercial break)
Medium Jim: Are you bored? Well buy our new BECAUSE AMERICA button! It's a button that screams "BECAUSE AMERICA!" when you press it! So yeah BUY NOW!
(Back to the interview)
Petey: Hello!
Sarah: So Petey where'd it start?
Petey: I guess we can start with how my dad and mom met.
(Flashback to when Graham (writer's note: Graham is Grampa's real name) and Grace met in high school)
Grace: Hey, you!
Graham: Hmm?
Grace: Do you know where Mrs. Pierce's classroom is?
Graham: Oh, I'm going to her class right now!
Grace: Thanks. I'm new here. My dad's business is supposed to be extremely well in Ohio. I've heard that some kids have some crazy haircuts that they want to fix.
Graham: Huh. So your dad's a barber?
Grace: Yep.
Grace: Who are you anyway?
Graham: I'm a famous disco king. Wanna go on a date?
Grace: Sure!
(out of flashback)
Petey: Graham and Grace were your average 70s high school couple. Until one day, Graham found the perfect ring to propose to her with.
(cut to flashback)
(Graham is shown walking through a suburban house and sees a giant ufo park just on top of a house. It's door opens, showing the Eye Alien.)
Eye Alien: I've been on a quest to find "The Chosen One." I need to give him this ring!
Graham (intrigued): I can get him that ring! Trust me!
Eye Alien: Oh, nice. Here you go!
(cut to Grampa at the senior prom)
Graham: Grace, I've got something to tell you.
Grace: Yes?
(Grampa kneels down and shows her the ring)
Graham: Will you marry me?
Grace: YES!
(a few months later at the wedding)
Judge: Do you, Graham Paw TheCat, accept marriage from Grace?
Graham: Yes.
Judge: And do you, Grace Tee Calico, accept Graham's marriage proposal and become Mrs. TheCat?
Grace: I do!
Judge: You may now put the rings on your fingers.
(they put the rings on their fingers, and Grace's fur glows a light blue a little)
Graham: What the? Oh well.
(at the honeymoon)
Grace: Well, we're alone.
Graham: So?
Grace: So, we can do things some people would think was weird.
Graham: Like what?
Grace: Like this.
(Grace starts kissing Graham and they fall onto the bed. However, the door closes just before they start... doing it and not showing it on camera.)
(A few weeks later, we cut to Graham in his house relaxing)
Graham: I love married life.
Grace, holding a sort of pregnancy test: Hey uh Graham?
Graham: Yes?
Grace: I'm...pregnant.
Graham: WHAT?! YOU'RE PREGNANT?!?!?! NOOO!!!!
(9 months later)
Grace: Honey! Where are you going?
Graham: I'm sorry, okay? I just need to calm down.
Grace: But I think my water broke!
Graham: Have fun! I'm going to Vegas to clear my mind.
Grace: VEGAS?
Graham: I'm going on a plane! Just go to the park and calm down!
(a few minutes later)
Nurse (the red haired one who told Big Jim his parents were dead): I love walking in the park!
(she sees Grace on a bench)
Nurse: Are you okay? May I help you with something?
Grace: No, I'm pregnant, and I think my water broke.
Nurse: Uh oh. Here, let's take you to the hospital. We have someone who's been watching us do our procedures to help get a doctorate when she's older. She'll watch us give birth to your child. Is that okay?
Grace: Okay, thank you.
Young Genie: Uhh are you sure I should be doing this?
Nurse: You're gonna be fine! Maybe someone like you will do this when you have a baby!
Young Genie: Okay!
(Soon, Grace gives birth to a baby cat)
Nurse: It's a boy! What are you going to name him?
Grace: Petey. His name is Petey.
Nurse: Alright, here's your li'l Petey!
(End of flashback)
Sarah: Aw, so that's how you were born!
Petey: Yep.
Petey: Oh and wanna know something weird? Whenever Mom and Dad argued, Mom's fur would start to glow light blue.
(cut to Grace and Grampa fighting because of Grampa not showing up to Petey's birth)
Grace: There you are! Why did you miss Petey's birth?
Graham: I needed to clear my mind!
Graham (muttering): And I also never wanted a kid in the first place...
Grace: To GAMBLE?! Why would you do that?! It's like you have no care FOR YOUR OWN SON! (Grace's skin starts glowing light blue for a bit)
Graham (still muttering): Huh. That's weird.
(Petey starts crying at the sight of Grace turning light blue)
Grace: Petey! You okay? (her fur goes back to normal)
Graham: I don't understand, why does that keep happenin'?!
(out of flashback)
Petey: Things were bad, but when I got the Critter Scouts shut down. Things got worse.
(cut to flashback of Grampa finding out Petey got the Critter Scouts shut down)
Graham: PETEY! You got the Critter Scouts BANNED?
Petey: Uh, accidentally but kinda on purpose?
Graham: This is unacceptable! You know what? THAT'S IT!
(Graham goes away and comes back with a running chainsaw, laughing maniacally)
Graham: HERE COMES THE CHAINSAW MAN!
(cuts off Petey's tail)
Petey: AHHH-
(cut to Petey lying in a hospital bed with a bandaged tail)
Grace: Good morning! Does your tail still hurt?
Petey: No. Can we go home now?
Grace: Okay, let's go home.
Petey: Is Dad okay? Why did he do this to me?
Grace: I don't know, sweetheart. Let's just go home.
(They walk home only to find an eviction notice)
Grace: Oh no...
Petey: What happened?
Grace: Umm...it's just...it's someone's turn to live here now!
Petey: Okay!
Grace: I think I know a place where we can stay! It's called the Happy Home Shelter!
Petey: Where is that?
Grace: In Bedford Falls. Come on, let's go on the bus.
Petey: Oh, okay. Say, is dad going to come with us?
Grace (slightly mad): No. He's out in another state. He seems fine for now.
Petey: Oh.
Grace: Why do you love your dad so much? He literally tried to kill you yesterday.
Petey: HE DID?! I forgot!
(they arrive)
Adult Petey: Little did I know that going to this shelter would change my life.
Grace: Come on, let's go.
Young Petey: Okay.
(At the shelter)
Mrs. Pierce: Well, we only have one room available. You'll have to live with a roommate, though.
Grace: Okay, that's fine.
(at their room)
Little Jim: HIYA!
Grace: Who are you?
Little Jim: I'm Jim! But you can call me Little Jim!
Petey: I'm Petey, and this is my mom Grace!
Grace: Where are your parents?
Little Jim: In heaven!
Grace: Oh dear! What happened?
Little Jim: I don't really want to talk about it.
Grace: That's so sad! You know what? I think I should adopt you. Give you a real mom, huh?
Little Jim (crying): Thank you!
(out of flashback)
Petey: So, you think my life went up from here right? Well, a few years later, something bad happened.
(back to a flashback)
Grace: Kids, sit down. I have something serious to say.
Petey: What is it?
Little Jim: I hope it's cupcakes!
Petey: What?
Grace: No, it's not cupcakes.
Grace: I have an incurable disease called feline cancer and I only have years to live.
Petey: NOOOOOO!!!!
(Petey and Little Jim start crying)
Sarah: Omg no! What happened next?
Petey: Well, a year goes by, and we get to the hospital for Grace.
(Cuts to Grace in the hospital)
Grace:...petey...i'm dying...but just remember...love lasts...forever and ever...
(Grace dies)
Petey: No! Mom, no!
(Grace then starts glowing bright, bright blue)
Petey: Wait, what? What's going on?
(the ring starts glowing too)
Petey: I think that's why she's been glowing! (takes it off) There we go! I need to keep this!
Little Jim: Man this is devastating.
(back at the shelter)
Mrs. Pierce: Say, is that a diamond ring you're holding?
Petey: Yeah, but for some reason it makes the we--
Mrs. Pierce: Do you want to send it to the nearby ring store?
Petey: Uh, sure, I guess.
(later, some cops show up)
Cop: YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
Petey: OH NO!
Cop: I was talking to the fat purple cat!
Little Jim: Wait what? What'd I do?
Cop: You know EXACTLY what you did! Now let's go!
Petey: Wait what? No!
(a few days later)
Petey: My life sucks! My mom is dead, my dad is a deadbeat, and my brother is in jail! I'm running away!
(Petey runs away and finds an old scientist)
Dr. Dinkle: Hello cat!
(Flashback ends)
Petey: So that's when I became a villain.
Sarah (in tears): Omg! Go on about this Dr. Dinkle person!
Petey: We were partners in crime! But one day I accidentally turned him into pee!
Sarah: What?
(As Petey explains what happened, we see it going on)
Petey: It's a long story. But, basically, we were going to rob a bank, and we used this water gun that could turn anything sprayed with it into water. And, well, I accidentally sprayed HIM with it.
Later, I was... kind of thirsty.
Sarah: Are you kidding me?
Petey: Nope!
Petey: So anyway two superheroes sent him to Uranus and they sent me to Jail 4 Cats.
Sarah: Wait, why is there another jail for cats, can't there just be one?
Petey: Well due to budget cuts the mayor split Cat Jail into 2 jails.
Petey: After getting away from Dr. Dinkle I realized that I shouldn't be a villain. So, when my prison sentence ended, I tried to do good! But society rejected me.
(Flashback)
Donna: Get lost you jailbird!
(Petey throws a rock at her)
Petey: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING RUDE! I'll just find another place to work at.
(Petey tries other people's places, yet they all get the same reaction)
Petey: You know what? FINE! If you want me to be the villain, then I'll go ahead and do it!
Petey: So I became a villain, planted that bomb, made Li'l Petey, became good. And-hey! Don't you already know this portion of my story?
Sarah: Uhh..yeah? But the people watching this at home don't!
Petey: So, basically....
(A time skip card shows, as Petey tells the camera everything that had happened in the au at the time)
Petey: Until we get to now!
Sarah: *snore*
Petey: Hello?
Sarah: Oh! Well I guess that's our time for the day! G'bye Petey! The moral of the story? Don’t become a bad person when your wife says she’s pregnant, because it will directly and indirectly lead you into a crazy rabbit hole.
(THE END)