COLD OPEN
Narrator: Remember Super Diaper Baby? The superhero baby who once stopped Petey when he was a bad guy? Well, keep him in mind for today's episode.
MAIN EPISODE
Li'l Petey: Hey Dog Man! Someone is visiting us later!
Dog Man: ?
Li'l Petey: His name is Billy Hoskins. He and his family are going to visit today!
Dog Man: Bark!
Li'l Petey: Huh, I wonder why his name sounds so familiar to you...
Dog Man: Bark bark bark! (I know him! He got Petey arrested 13 years ago!)
Li'l Petey: He got my papa in jail? Why?
Dog Man: Bark bark ruff! (He destroyed every toilet in the world and made everyone pee themselves!)
[MOLLY COMES IN AND OVERHEARS EVERYTHING GIGGLING]
Molly: Why did he do that? That sounds kind of stupid.
Dog Man: Bark bark bark ruff! (I don't remember, but I think it was because of some weird scientist who turned into pee.)
[MOLLY LAUGHS, WHEEZING WHILE DOING SO.]
(ding dong!)
Li'l Petey: DOORBEEEELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Man and Li'l Petey in unison: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!
[LI'L PETEY OPENS THE DOOR]
Billy: Hey.
Li'l Petey: Hey.
Diaper Dog: Hey.
Molly: WHAT THE FUDGE STICKS?!?!?!
Diaper Dog: You never heard a dog talk English?
Molly: I mean, most dogs in this universe can't talk.
Diaper Dog: Prove it!
Molly: Dog Man, talk!
Dog Man: Ruff!
Molly: I rest my case!
Diaper Dog: Huh, that's weird.
Li'l Petey: So why did you want to come to us?
Billy: We have some shocking news for y'all.
Li'l Petey: What?
Molly: Yea, tell us!
Billy: I'm a teenager now,
Li'l Petey: Oh. Okay...
Billy: That means that all of our neighboring cities, like Perfhect City and Terribhle City won't be able to get saved by me and Diaper Dog.
Billy: You have been able to save Ohkay City for a long time. But now, you must worry about the other cities.
Molly: Why can't you do it?
Billy: High school. It sucks.
Billy: Now my 2 year old sister has the superhero job!
Li'l Petey: SISTER??? Last I checked you were an only child!
Billy: Yeah! Her name is Maria, named after my mom.
Li'l Petey: How'd she get superpowers?
Billy: An encounter with...
[BILLY SHUDDERS]
Billy: Petey.
Li'l Petey: Papa?
Billy: Wait he's your DAD?
Li'l Petey (in his head): Frick he doesn't know my dad's changed.
Li'l Petey: Yeah, but he sucks. He always abuses me and only focuses on gambling.
Billy: I knew he was no good.
Diaper Dog: Didn't I hear he-
Li'l Petey: ZIP IT!
[BILLY'S WATCH GIVES HIM AN ALERT]
Billy: Oh no! Perfhect City is under attack! Probably from that hideous cat. Come on, let's go!
[AS BILLY, DIAPER DOG, AND THE SUPA BUDDIES RUN AWAY TO PERFHECT CITY, LI'L PETEY AND MOLLY WHISPER TO ONE ANOTHER]
Molly: Are you gonna tell him or am I?
Li'l Petey: We should probably keep it a secret for now.
(at Perfhect City)
Grampa: MWAHAHAHAH!!
Billy: That's weird. He looks older. Maybe that's what happens when you're in jail for 13 years.
Molly: Yeah. That's Petey all right.
Dog Man: Ba--- (no, th---)
Li'l Petey: SHH!
Billy: It sounds like you're trying to hide something, LP....
[BILLY THINKS FOR A BIT, THEN SHRUGS]
Billy: Eh, I can't figure out why.
(OOC: How about I add some irony where Perfhect City is terrible and Terrible City is perfect, kind of like Greenland and Iceland)
Grampa: I SHALL DESTROY THIS PLACE! IT ALREADY LOOKS PRETTY TERRIBLE ANYWAY! NOT AS TERRIBLE AS MY SON PETEY!
Billy: I KNEW IT! Maybe he was just making stuff up?
Grampa: HEY YA RUBBERNECKER! MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX! (notices Li'l Petey) Grandson?
(Li'l Petey covers Grampa's mouth)
Li'l Petey: SON!
(Billy and Diaper Dog gasp)
Billy: YOU LIED TO ME?!?!
Molly: Yes.
Dog Man: Bark bark (he absolutely did).
Li'l Petey: Well, I just thought it would be awkward to see that Petey had changed for you...
Billy: AWKWARD? You're out of your mind!
Grampa (now having had his mouth uncovered): Uh, did I miss something?
Billy: SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT A PART OF THIS!
Grampa: Whatever. I'll just destroy this city some more, it's already on it's last legs anyway-
(Dog Man arrests Grampa)
Grampa: RATS!
Dog Man: Ruff bark ruff (Like father like son!)
Billy: Where's Petey now?
Li'l Petey: Come with us!
(at Petey's lab/house)
(ding dong!)
Petey: Yes?
Billy: PETEY!
Petey: Um, who are you?
Billy: It's me!
Petey: ?
Billy: You know, your old archenemy?
[PETEY TRIES TO REMEMBER AND THEN IS SENT TO A FLASHBACK OF HIS BATTLE WITH SDB]
Super Diaper Baby: Hey!!!
Diaper Dog: That's the cat who stole all those diapers!
Petey: So what? Maybe I'll give them back...and maybe I WON'T! (transforms his mech into the SUPA-MECHA KITTY 3000!)
Super Diaper Baby: Uh oh.
[PETEY KIDNAPS DIAPER DOG]
Super Diaper Baby: DIAPER DOG!
Diaper Dog: Don't worry, Billy! All you have to do is...(whispers into Super Diaper Baby's ear)
Super Diaper Baby: Okay!
(Super Diaper Baby grabs catnip from the Catnip Store and pours it into Petey's mech suit, causing him to go KOOKOO 4 KATNIP!)
Petey: KOOKOO 4 KATNIP! KOOKOO 4 KATNIP! (laughs and accidentally unhands Diaper Dog)
Super Diaper Baby: Let's get him to jail!
(SDB and Diaper Dog take Petey to the cops station and put a large Post-It note on his face saying "Arrest me!", end of flashback)
Petey: Hmm... nope, don't remember.
[PETEY SLAMS THE DOOR ON BILLY]
Billy: I think I fed him too much catnip that one time.
[PETEY REOPENS THE DOOR]
Petey: Wait, NOW I remember. Super Diaper Baby, right?
Billy: Yes.
Petey: So what brings you here? Back to send me into the slammer?
Billy: No, I just wanted to talk to you now that you've apparently changed.
Petey: Okay. Come on in!
Petey: Are you sure you won't send me back to jail?
Billy: Ha ha very funny.
Petey: Just curious.
Billy: So, how have you been now that you're a good guy?
Petey: It's good.
Billy: Why are you good anyway?
Petey: This kid! Also because I almost got murdered by a pig.
Billy: A pig? That's the lowest form of lows.
Petey: I'm a housecat and I almost destroyed you and everyone you loved.
Billy: Yeah, that's true.
Petey: I mean, I remember when some living sippy cups and also a lunchbag wreaked havoc on the city. Like, seriously, it's not like two fifth graders are writing this story! (writer's note: George and Harold were in fourth grade during the events of the first Dog Man movie, George and Harold were in fifth grade during the events of the sequel, this show, and some other content, and they are in sixth grade during the events of the upcoming third movie)
Petey: Huh, where were you when that happened?
Billy: Perfhect City. Someone wanted to actually make it perfect.
Petey: Ew, gross.
Billy: Exactly.
Billy: Anything else that's new?
Petey: Well, do you know the Chief? Well he officially got a girlfriend and got married to her.
Billy: What's her name?
Petey: Her name is Genie but everyone calls her Nurse Lady cuz well...she's a nurse who's a lady...
Billy: Say that again?
Petey: Uh, Chief got a wife, her name is Genie, bu--
Billy: Genie? That doesn't make any sense!
Petey: Wait what why?
Billy: I knew someone who hated how perfect Terribhle City was, and they tried to destroy it.
Petey: So?
Billy: Their name was Genie.
Petey: (gulp) So you're saying Chief married someone who attempted to destroy a city?
Billy: I saw leaked footage, they have the same haircut and hair color. But that Genie looked a little older so I don't know.
Petey: But that doesn't make any sense, she seems so pure of heart!
Billy: We need to call her!
(Petey calls her)
Petey: Hey Genie, have you ever tried destroying Terribhle City?
Nurse Lady: No, the police interviewed me, but I didn't do it!
Billy: Okay...
[SOON, TERRIBHLE CITY IS APARENTLY SHOWN TO BE IN DANGER]
Billy: OH NO! SOMEONE IS ATTACKING TERRIBHLE CITY!
Petey: Oh God!
Dog Man: Bark bark bark (let's go!!!)
???: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHH! THIS CITY WILL BE IN SHAMBLES BY THE TIME I'M DONE!
Billy: Who are you?
The Fair Genie: Me? I'M THE FAIR GENIE! It's unfair that my hometown Perfhect City was a huge dumpster fire while this place was glorious, so the obvious solution to make it fair, IS TO MAKE THEM BOTH IN SHAMBLES!
Billy: Come on guys, we can beat her!
[BILLY ATTEMPTS TO FLY ONLY TO FORGET THAT HE CAN'T ANYMORE]
Petey: Wait I thought you could fly...
Billy: I WAS, until you drained my powers and took them away from me, only to let Maria collect them!
The Fair Genie: Uh, what in the--
Li'l Petey: Wait, wait, wait, wait! I thought Billy couldn't save the cities because of HIGH SCHOOL, not because his powers were DRAINED!
Upward Cat: Why am I here?
Fair Genie: SHUT IT UPWARD CAT!
Billy: I GOT AN IDEA! OH MARIA!
[MARIA FLIES IN AND SEES THE CHAOS]
Maria: THE FAIR GENIE! I LOVE HER SHOW!
Billy: Wait she has a show?
Li'l Petey: Hey, this conversation still isn't over!
Billy: Oh yeah! Well, YOU LIED to me and told me that Petey hadn't changed! Well, obviously, the way he's being nonchalant about stealing my powers proves he hasn't changed!
Fair Genie: What is going on?!?!?
Dog Man: Bark bark bark (I don't know, I've kinda not been listening for the past few hours.)
Li'l Petey: But he's sorry!
Billy: SHUT IT! (kicks Li'l Petey in the face)
Petey: Whoa whoa whoa! Do you have any dignity in you? You just kicked a CHILD!
Billy: Well that's the same kinda thing you would've done if he wasn't made!
Petey: THAT'S IT!
[PETEY TACKLES BILLY, AND SOON THE TWO OF THEM GET INTO A GIANT FIGHT]
Fair Genie: Anywho...time to destroy the ci-(gets handcuffed by Dog Man) RATS!
Molly: Wow, the word "RATS!" must be popular.
(Dog Man is filming Petey and Billy's fight)
Dog Man: Ruff! (I'm gonna arrest Billy too for child abuse!)
(Billy gets handcuffed by Dog Man)
Billy: RATS!
Petey: A lot of people saying "RATS!" today.
(A few days later at Former Superhero Jail)
[PETEY IS VISITING BILLY]
Petey: I'll have to admit, I'm shocked a HERO got into jail but a simple "villain" like me stayed here.
Billy: Oh shut up you.
Petey: HA!
Petey: So how long are you gonna be in jail for?
Billy: Until Kitten Child Book Group #6 comes out.
Petey: That's gonna be a LOOOOONG time!
Billy: Yep.
Petey: You know I do have hundreds and thousands of dollars. I could bail you out.
Billy: PLEASE DO SO I'M BEGGING YOU!
Petey: Have fun in jail.
Billy: Wait what? GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE (the Warden comes in and covers Billy's mouth before taking him back to his jail cell.)
[PETEY LEAVES, GRINNING HAPPILY TO HIMSELF AS THE EPISODE ENDS.]